en god latter forlenger livet... fly versjon

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" 
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." 
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" 
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

I worked at an international airport in the Middle East a few years ago. A local hero there and an all round good egg, Tom, in the tower one day received a call from the electrical guys on their way to do their daily checks. "Tower, Electric One. Request clearance to cross the runway at Yankee." "Electric One, Tower. Hold." A few seconds later Tom receives another call, "Tower, Electric One. Request clearance to cross the runway at Yankee." Tom replies "Electric One, Tower. Hold." A few seconds later, the same call again, "Tower, Electric One. Request clearance to cross the runway at Yankee." Tom replies, "Electric One - If you look to your right you will see a Garuda 747 about to land. If you?ve got the balls you've got the permission." After a couple of seconds, "Electric One - Holding."

When instructing (as a young lieutenant in the US Navy in 1967) at NAS Beeville, Texas, we were tasked to add three night bombing flights to the air-to-ground syllabus, which had previously been day only. l took the first flight of four out the target that was located about 80 miles away from Beeville between Alice and Laredo. On arrival, we found the target completely obscured in fog and had to return home. Our ops officer decided that we needed to provide simple weather observation training to the range people, so a wx guy [weather specialist - wx is morse code for weather] drove down and gave the crew a two or three hour short course on how to report the weather. Th next time I had a flight there, I called the range up and asked them what the weather was. The range guy says, "Sir, the weather is clear, visibility 1/16 of a mile." I couldn't figure out what that meant, so I asked him what was the restriction to visibility. He replied, "Why, sir, it is dark...

 was told this story by an air traffic controller from his time at a joint military/civilian airport. An F-4 (USAAF fighter jet) pilot requested clearance to take off, but due to the amount of civilian traffic the ATC told him he'd have to hold. After a repeated impatient request by the F-4 to take-off the ATC suggested that if the pilot could reach 14,000ft within half the runway length he could take off; otherwise he would have to hold. To the ATC's surprise the F-4 pilot acknowledged the tower and began to roll. At the halfway mark the F-4 went vertically up until he reached 14,000ft, then levelled off. The ATC had no option than to hand the pilot over to departures and wish him a nice day, since he'd met the conditions laid down. The ATC said it was the darndest thing he ever saw.

A British Airways 737 touched down at Frankfurt-am-Main. The tower controller, obviously in frivolous mood, transmitted: "Speedbird 123. Nice landing Captain, But a little left of the centre-line, I think." Quick as a flash, the BA Captain replied in a cool English accent: "Roger Frankfurt Tower. Perfectly correct. I am a little to the left of the centre-line. And my co-pilot is a little to the right of it."

A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames. After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain... He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea." He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out." The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end.

This happened at the small but busy Sarasota Florida airport in 1975. The tower was open from 6am until 10pm and most of the traffic was during daylight hours. There was a National flight in every night about 8:30pm and often had a joker at the wheel. On a particular dark night after handoff from Tampa approach the controller hears: "Sarasota tower, National123 with you... (pause) ... guess where?." The controller promptly turned off all the airport lights - there was no other traffic - and replied: "National123 - Sarasota tower - guess where?..." After a silence of about fifteen seconds the chastened National pilot came back: "Sarasota tower this is National Airlines flight 123 from Tampa and we are exactley 10.3 DME on the 300 degree radial inbound for landing.." The controller switched the lights back on and cleared the pilot to land.

A controller at the Nashville, Tennessee airport told me about an incident from several years ago when he cleared a Cessna 172 (4 seater small aircraft) for landing. As the Cessna turned to final approach, an airliner called in 'over the marker' (5 miles from the airport). The Cessna was about a half mile from the runway, and the controller knew he could land and clear the runway well before the airliner would land, so he cleared the airliner to land as well. A few seconds later, the Cessna pilot asked the controller, "How far behind me is that 737?" Before the controller could respond, the airline pilot keyed his mike, and in a deep bass voice said, "Don't look back!..."

From E Haigh, Mar 2008 - I thought I'd let you know about a time when I was up in the air doing aeros (aerobatics) and turning back into circuit as one of my other friends was coming into land... 
On contact with the runway the friend's plane veered off to the left and crashed, narrowly avoiding a large very deep pond, just to the left of the runway on the taxi hold point. The pilot still managed to report: "Runway vacated..." 

 My friend says he was training an ATC rookie - I think he said it was out at Nellis AFB. Anyway, one day this kid takes a call from an aircraft requesting clearance to FL 800 (80,000 feet)... 

Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): "Okay, hotshot -- if you think you can take her that high, GO FOR IT!!" 
Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: "Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800...." 

QANTAS pilot to copilot landing at Sydney, forgetting the cabin intercom was live: 
"What I need now is a cold beer and a hot shiela" 
Stewardess hurries forward lest worse befall. 
Chorus of passengers "Hey, you forgot the beer!" 

A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5's nose cargo doors opened, saying, "I'm going to eat you."

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Linn Helene

Linn Helene

32, Oslo

skarp og søt naiv og smart sterk og sliten du vet aldri hvilken side av meg du møter på, den skarpe og skeptiske tunga eller det varme og nesten naive hjertet. jeg er den du oppsøker for hjelp, den som biter fra seg når det trengs. drømmekjæresten min en en dataspillende goth drage. notangel@gmail.com

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